and with human beings.
other blogs
- I want to be able to seek treatment for mental illness while being reasonably assured that the doctor will not a) assert that my limited sexual experience means I can’t be certain of my sexual orientation b) suggest a causal link between my sexual orientation and my mental illness (in that order) c) suggest that having more (unwanted) sex would help my mental illness. Currently, I have no assurances that this won’t happen to me again, even with another open-minded, LGBT*-friendly doctor.
- I want to be able to be as open about my sexuality as my colleagues are about theirs, without having to worry that they will see me as deluded, irrational, and therefore unfit to be a scientist.
- I want never to come across another young asexual whose parents’ response to their coming out is to take them to a therapist or a psychiatrist. It is never, ever, ever acceptable to attempt to change someone’s sexual orientation.
There’s a lot more that I could say here, but these are some of the things that affect me personally the most, or that I feel most strongly about. What about you? What do you, as an asexual or a member of the asexual spectrum, “even want?” Be specific. Be ambitious.
- I want my important relationships with others to be perceived to be just as valid as and possessing the same potential as relationships where it is assumed the partners have sex.
- I want to see a world where relationships that do not involve sex or sexual attraction are valued just as highly as relationships that do involve those things.
- I want the kinds of attractions I experience to be regarded as valid in the absence of sexual attraction.
If you haven’t already seen it, Fox news released a video in which they tried to discuss asexuality recently, you can watch this here: http://video.foxnews.com/v/1797282177001/asexuality-a-sexual-orientation/
I’m from the UK and so I genuinely can’t tell how sincere these presenters are being but I’m going to write under the impression that they are.
The segment gets off to a fantastic start when the presenter’s first guest opens by saying ”Asexuality has been around for a long time, it’s called being a woman every three to five weeks”: an extremely bigoted and unfunny thing to say, especially since male asexuals exist.
She then goes on to claim asexuality doesn’t actually exist and is just a label people have made up to combat a ‘hypersexual society’.
What she fails to understand is that asexuals have always existed, but it wasn’t until our culture became so saturated in sex that they became visible. As I’ve said before, before the 1950s, you could spend your entire life being asexual and not even know it, because nobody would care about your sex life. But now that sex and kinks have suddenly become dinnertime discussion, and now that everyone is inquiring into eachother’s sexlife, in today’s day and age: asexual people will realise they are different whereas in the past they might have not.
This isn’t a hard thing to grasp.
The next guy then decides asexuals have had enough ‘representation’ because there was an asexual character in a TV show and then presumes that asexuals are all attempting to become part of the ”LGBT”. Nothing new.
The next guy asks what asexuals want when they say they need ‘representation’ and jokes that they must mean a beer advert with no sex advertising. Whilst this would be admirable for other reasons, what they mean by ‘representation in society’ is that being able to live with the security that people actually know asexuality exists and take it into account, so that people don’t harass us over being ‘virgins’ or ‘frigid’ or tell us we must be ‘damaged’.
Not just an unsexual beer advert
The next guy wonders how asexual people are discriminated against, well I’ve already mentioned some ways in which they are exposed to prejudice, another might be the fact asexuality is still seen as a mental disorder called ”Hyposexual Disorder” by many doctors and that having no sex drive is still seen as a sign of a serious mental illness by most medical practices. If an asexual person went to their doctor about a completely unrelated issue and the doctor found out they had no sex drive, they would note that down as a symptom of a possible severe mental illness.
He then asks, why is it important if asexuals are discriminated against if they only make up one percent of the population?
Well what if they do? doesn’t mean they should be denied the same opportunities the rest of society benefits from. Autistic people also only make up less than 1% of the population but that doesn’t mean we should act like autism doesn’t exist.
They then end on the note of ”Asexual people don’t want sex, I don’t trust them”
Overall this interview achieved nothing and was nothing that I hadn’t heard before, except it was broadcasted across an entire nation and as a station with that much publicity: fox news has the responsibility to properly educate themselves on the issues they try to discuss. In this case, they didn’t.
What I want fox news to realise is that asexuality, even though there aren’t as many asexuals as there are sexual people, is still a valid sexual orientation and that when they made these comments on asexuality: when they attacked asexuality, they might as well have been attacking any other sexuality.
Imagine if the guests had said ”Homosexuality is just a rebellion against our heavily heterosexual culture” or ”But there are barely any homosexuals, do we have to recognise them” or ”these people are after sex with their own gender, I don’t trust them”
They would have lost their jobs
yet because they were talking about asexuality, it didn’t matter.
So I’ve been thinking about this whole asexual trend on tumblr for a while now. And I totally get why ‘ace’ kids irritate the hell out of a lot of people.
Srsly, there are some damn obnoxious ace kids.
But most of the reeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaally irritating tumblbrats aren’t asexual, but ‘gray-ace’ or ‘demisexual’ or ‘demiromantic’ or ‘whatever-the-fuck.’ And I’ve got two words for these punks.
LOW. LIBIDO.
Check it. If you have a low sex drive, if you only want to have sex sometimes, or only with a certain person, you HAVE a sexuality. You also have a LOW LIBIDO. And there is nothing WRONG with that, that is great! Yay, you don’t want to have sex all the time! Let me play you a fanfare on the world’s tiniest trumpet!
But stop making up stupid vague words to describe it! Srsly! Ugh.
Like, I am a person who is functionally asexual. Generally attraction for me is “Oh that person is attractive” and then I think “That’s weird” and I stop, with a few exceptions (YOLANDIIIIIIIII, LITTLE BLONDE GIRRRRRRRRRRRRL, JONNNNNNN) I GET where this is coming from, OK? But would you STOP yammering ON about your ‘squishes’ and your ‘scrunches’ and your ‘sex donuts’ and your ‘bullshit’ and just accept the fact that you are a heterosexual or a bisexual or a homosexual person with a LOW. LI. BI. DO.
But that aside, the ace trend as a whole really doesn’t bother me. At all. Because it seems to be a reaction to the hypersexualization of our culture, especially since most aces I see (at least on tumblr) are female. And I am all in favor of fucking the patriarchy by refusing to fuck! Rah rah celibacy! Fuck our current sexual politics! Little girls are pressured to play ‘marriage’ and ‘house’ and to dream about getting hitched to Prince Charming and anything aimed at women is soaked in saccharine romance syrup, yeah, I think a backlash is not only understandable but NECESSARY. The sex-poz movement is 90% the same crap but instead of dreaming about True Love’s First Kiss you’re supposed to chase A Whole Pile of Orgasms. Just as stupid, just as time wasting, even MORE meaningless.
But making up all these stupid cutesy nonsense terms is just that, stupid and cutesy and MISSING THE POINT OF LABELS. The POINT of labels like homosexual is to unite people with common political interests. If you enumerate EVERY. POSSIBLE. POSITION. on the sexual spectrum, like “Oh, I’m gay plus!” “I’m heterocurious” “I’m biromantic!” “And I’m treiftripe!” all you’re doing is creating unnecessary divisions and weakening your base! Ugh, but that’s not so much an ace problem as it is a “fucking tumblr bullshit” problem.
In conclusion, hows about we lay off the ace hating and level that righteous vengeance and furious anger where it’s deserved- at those motherfucking kiddie raping “OUT AND PROUD” “OH I DON’T ACT ON IN IT REALLY THO” pedophiles.
Because FUCK. THOSE. GUYS. Fuck them STRAIGHT into the DEEPEST BOWELS OF HELL.
What the fuck are you rambling on about?
I’m asexual and I have a sexuality, thank you. It’s called I’m asexual.
No1curr if you don’t like the words we use to communicate. Seriously. No. One. Cares.
You have no right to tell someone else what their identity is. Lay off.
And I am all in favor of fucking the patriarchy by refusing to fuck! Rah rah celibacy! Fuck our current sexual politics! Little girls are pressured to play ‘marriage’ and ‘house’ and to dream about getting hitched to Prince Charming and anything aimed at women is soaked in saccharine romance syrup, yeah, I think a backlash is not only understandable but NECESSARY.
THIS. THIS right here is a failure of intersectionality. Not all asexual spectrum people are white. This is not what is aimed at women of colour. Get educated.
Also fuck you, I’m a gray biromantic asexual. ;) Deal with it yo~
And I love how you say “Stop hating aces!” when this is exactly what you did in this whole rant LMFAOOOO oh gosh
And pedophilia is an entirely different issue not related to asexuality.
This post is a cold mess.
Nor Shall My Sword Sleep In My Hand: Ace Children
So I’ve been thinking about this whole asexual trend on tumblr for a while now. And I totally get why ‘ace’ kids irritate the hell out of a lot of people.
Srsly, there are some damn obnoxious ace kids.
But most of the reeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaally irritating tumblbrats aren’t asexual, but…
[snipped]
You are… missing the point. Significantly.
Asexuality is not a low libido. Neither is being grey-a or demisexual, though a small number of grey-as may identify as such because they have a low libido.
Also, one’s sexual orientation is not something one chooses to “fuck the patriarchy.”
If you can’t correctly describe a concept, you shouldn’t be criticizing it.
ETA: You’re calling people “kids” and you’re 20? Really?
Haha, yeah, I call everyone kid. Cause its shorter than person. ;D And no, asexuality isn’t low libido, it’s NO libido! But if a person sometimes wants to have sex, then that’s my point.
No. No it’s not.
I am asexual, I have a libido, the two things are not contradictory.
I can’t anymore. Lmfao. Asexuality is a lack of sexual attraction, ~check it~.
GREG, IT LOOKS LIKE WE HAVE TO TURN IN OUR ACE MEMBERSHIP CARDS AGAIN DUE TO OUR LIBIDOISM.
Yeah and libido =/= sexual attraction. This also meaning that libido does not define asexuality. And who are you to police the words people use to describe and communicate their experiences, relationships, identities, and natures of those things? Words that can finally describe important parts of who they are that hadn’t been defined anywhere else previously? Descriptors or “add-ons” to their identity such as sensual/romantic attraction does NOT make a person any less queer if that’s what they identify themselves as, and they have every right to how they choose to label themselves. I don’t really get this “fuck the patriarchy” thing either because many asexuals still have and/or enjoy sex despite their lack of sexual attraction surprise surprise (though even in the cases of gray-As and demisexuals, they aren’t any less a part of the asexual spectrum).
Sources:
Bogaert AF. 2004. Asexuality: Prevalence and associated factors in a national probability sample. The Journal of Sex Research, 41(3).
Well I’m not good at explaining myself and writing stuff but here we go.
I think everybody needs to know that asexuality exists and there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. Because otherwise people deny their true identities and never catch happiness in their lives. Let me tell you a real experience I had.
Few days ago I was talking with a friend, the topic came to marriage and kids and stuff and I came out to her (though I didn’t use the word asexual, but I told her exactly what I am). You know what she said? She said she is the same BUT hear the rest, she thinks she has to be ready for marriage and sex (and she thinks she will be someday, oh and we’re 21 btw). She thinks that’s how it supposed to go, like law of the nature or something. How sad is this? And how sad is that I couldn’t tell her that it’s called asexuality and it’s completely ok?
And you know what, I have two more people like that in my life (in fact one of them is extremely repulsed too, just like myself). But they don’t know about asexuality, or they don’t just know that it’s ok even though they don’t know the word for it. They think they will be, no, they have to be ready, and it makes me wanna vomit to be honest.
This is why I wanna spread our existence and make everybody sure that it’s ok.
I’m really happy that my post from a few days ago (about the reasons that using the phrase “physical attraction” as a synonym/euphemism for sexual attraction is problematic, addressed primarily to fellow asexual people) has spurred so many good conversations in the reblogs, including but not limited to:
- a conversation about the definition of sexual attraction
- some legitimate criticisms of referring to people who experience sexual attraction as “sexuals”
- a conversation about the history of euphemisms for sex and body functions in English and why those euphemisms are linked to having shame about sex and body functions
- fun snarking about dictionary prescriptivism
Please stop saying “physical attraction” as if it’s a synonym for sexual attraction. Asexual people who experience sensual attraction are experiencing an attraction that is literally physical. Asexuality is about not experiencing sexual attraction, not about not experiencing physical attraction, although sexual attraction might be in the category of physical attractions.
Trigger warning: rape, homophobia, sexism, erasure
Tell me if there’s more I need to mention…
Just a note, so I can point back to it when someone gets pissed at me. I’m not saying that asexual individuals are systematically and specifically oppressed by society. Two reasons for that. One: no one really knows or believes it exists, so no one knows to target us. And yes, ace community, that is a privilege we need to be aware of. Erasure sucks, but it protects us sometimes. Also leads to massive misunderstandings and ignorance that can hurt, but widespread knowledge, I believe, will be a double edged blade.
Two: No one can ever agree on a concrete answer of what the hell counts as oppression in a modern society. So no, I’m not going to sit here and say asexuality is innately oppressed by society. I’ll say we’re silenced, we’re erased. We’re assumed to be broken, lying, physically ill, mentally ill, in denial, scarred by some buried experience. We’re told we need fixed, or that we’re wrong. You can never be a good asexual. But none of that is enough to fit every definition ever about oppression. So I’m not going to make that argument.
Anyway, the points I actually wanted to make.
Teenage asexuals who are sure they’re asexual are not “shutting themselves out” from experiencing anything. Labels aren’t iron bars around us. They don’t affect our behavior. They are used to describe ourselves, and that’s it. If that changes for a teenager later in their life, then guess what? It fucking changed. That does not invalidate their experience. And insinuating that most teenaged asexuals are really just going to end up gay? Wrong and rude and really just not cool. Teenagers can know their sexuality. Children can know their sexuality. My sister was 4 and knew she was gay. I was 6 and knew I didn’t fit either male or female. Society can mess that up and try to force us one way or another, but people who can stand firm, and go “no, this is who I am”, don’t take that from them. Be glad they figured that out and know it well enough to stand behind it so early.
Especially when, and this is my favorite statistic, the average age of first sexual attraction? It’s ten years old. So, uh, seriously, lay the fuck off this one. Especially on anyone older than sixteen (which is two standard deviations above the norm, meaning that 95% of all people in the population set will have experienced sexual attraction by this point).… whoa.
Suddenly many things about my adolescence makes sense.
“Nothing in life makes sense except in the light of asexuality”…
Photocopying this information to my brain so I can spout it off on comand.
Wow. Yeah, seconding Aydan here. Just… dang.
Holy shit.
10. 10 years old. holy shit.
10.
SUDDENLY THINGS MAKE SO MUCH SENSE.
Reblogging so that I can have that paper at hand if needed. It’s a very interesting thing.
Ten. What.
I guess it’s easy to tell asexuals that it’s nothing unusual to be a late bloomer, that they’ll likely start feeling sexual attraction any moment now…
After all, there’s nothing easier to believe than that other people’s experiences resemble your own.
In retrospect, it does somehow make sense. All this fascination with innuendo, giggling, etc.
When I was in that age, I used to classify that the same as kids spouting insults they heard somewhere without knowing their meanings. Just trying to be cool and being fascinated with something they saw as somewhat taboo.
Maybe I misjudged them and they were also trying to make sense of those new experiences?
Huh.
Being told that you’re sick, or damaged, or not human for not wanting sex is awesome.
Having your friends constantly tell you that you’re going to die alone and have your body eaten by your cats is awesome.
Being dragged to therapy to ‘fix’ you is awesome.
Every guy you come across trying to ‘save’ you is awesome.
Being told to your face that all it would take is being raped to turn you straight/sexual is awesome.
Being told that you can’t be intimate without having sex is awesome.
Being told that you don’t exist is awesome.
Society constantly reaffirming that life is not truly worth living without a romantic partner is awesome.
Everyone assuming that you’re judging them for having sex is awesome.
Being constantly deserted in favor of your friends new bf/gf is awesome, because romantic relationships are the be all, end all of life.
Being told that we’re not allowed to have any support by the rest of the LGBTQetc community is awesome.
^ Note to all of society. (Though I don’t want to generalize romantics as being all-consumed and neglectful of their non-romantic relationships, as that’s more of an individual fault.) But I’ve been thinking that a lot of this doesn’t have to strictly apply to aromantics/asexuals either. There are obviously those who are just less romantically/sexually inclined, are focused on other things, don’t absolutely require it in their lives, etc. But we’re all subjected to the sick pressure that romance and sex are needed within a wholesome life, and if not now, eventually. There’s always that sorry reassurance that “you’ll find the right person”. But if you’re content with it, nothing has to be “sad” about having delved into little to none of romantic relationships. A person shouldn’t have to feel any shame in being a single, any-aged virgin because experience/relationships don’t determine worth, capacity for happiness, nor the ability to love and be loved. It would be awesome if it was understood and respected without the pity that some people simply don’t have or need romance/sex. And some have no romantic or sexual attraction at all.
